6 Critical Questions Parents Should Ask

by Dawn L. Billings, Author & Architect of Primary Colors Personality and RelationshipHelp

Parenting is undeniably a challenging task—it’s the most rewarding experience I’ve ever had, yet there are undeniably difficult aspects to it.

Though parenting has always been demanding, it appears to be even more so today. Numerous influences inundate our children's hearts and minds from a very young age. I believe parenting is harder now because we are raising our kids in a world vastly different from the one in which our parents or their parents raised us. In the past, our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents had a fairly straightforward parenting guide due to the necessities of family survival. Children participated in farm work and were accustomed to hard work from a young age. The need to teach contribution, responsibility, and teamwork was less pressing because survival required these traits naturally.

Moreover, past generations parented within family units and communities. It was common for mothers like Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Craddock, or Mrs. Spencer, or any mother in the neighborhood, to keep a watchful eye on inappropriate behavior. Every parent felt accountable for the children in their vicinity, and all eyes were on all children.

Nowadays, we are more isolated in our neighborhoods. Many people do not know their neighbors. Our mobile society and the high rate of single parenthood have dismantled the support system of the past. In the electronic age, we are not short of parenting advice and tips, but it’s challenging to navigate the plethora of “helpful hints.” What is effective and what isn’t? How can you determine what is best for your child? When parenting decisions become overwhelming, simplify them by considering these three key parenting questions.

Question 1: Are you parenting with the end goal in mind? What is your ultimate goal in raising your child? Many parents simply wish to love their children, living in a “Beatles” world of the past, adhering to the popular song “All you need is love.” While love is crucial for all children, we may need a deeper understanding of what loving your child truly means. Love is not just an emotion. It’s not merely the wonderful, intoxicating feeling you experience when you hold your child and whisper that you love them.

Question 2: What is Love? Love is preparing your child for adulthood in the best way possible. Are you equipping your child to be a competent, happy, responsible, contributing adult? Don’t misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that children shouldn’t enjoy being children. However, childhood is the period to develop and strengthen life skills. These critical skills form the foundation of who we will be as adults. Too often, today’s children grow up too quickly in terms of exposure to gratuitous violence and sex, yet they are sheltered from the adversity and challenges that help them develop resilience and perseverance.

Question 3: What am I teaching my child today that will help them become happy, resourceful, responsible, competent, and capable individuals? This question should be your daily benchmark. Children need to learn responsibility, decision-making, and the consequences of their actions. They need to understand that failure is a necessary step toward success. They should learn to delay gratification, strive for excellence, and serve a cause greater than themselves. Start with small tasks and decisions, and as they grow older, increase the level of challenges you expect them to handle.

If you teach your child that life is all fun and games, they will be disappointed when they discover it is not. Don’t let your 6-year-old operate dangerous kitchen equipment unsupervised, but do encourage them to contribute by making dinner every few weeks, even if it starts with simple peanut butter sandwiches, gradually improving their culinary skills. They can put away silverware, learn to fold towels, and vacuum. You truly benefit your child by teaching them to serve you.

Question 4: What are your children observing? Children learn by watching YOU. Are you a good role model for your child? Parents must demonstrate an understanding of right and wrong. You know what it means to be an adult. You envision the kind of person you hope your child will become. Simply put, be the example you want for your child. If you want your child to grow up in a certain way, provide a role model for them to follow. If you want your child to be kind or generous, you need to show kindness and generosity. If you want your child to be a good student, you must value excellence and demonstrate scholarship. If you want your child to have a strong work ethic, live ethically. Teach your children to emulate greatness and strive to live the greatness within you so they can emulate you.

Question 5: What are you feeding your children? You’ve often heard, we are what we eat. It’s true. If we feed our bodies junk, our children cannot experience the vibrant health they need to grow strong. No parent would feed their children trash from the trash can, yet when it comes to their minds, they are exposed to garbage every day. Garbage in – Garbage out; Greatness in – greatness out. Be as cautious about what you feed your children's hearts and minds as you are about what you feed their bodies for dinner. Monitor the television programs your children watch. Even those you think are harmless might be conveying messages you do not want them to receive.

Question 6: What does your family stand for? Are your family values clear to every member? Have you written them down, discussed, agreed upon them, and signed a contract that clearly states the values your family believes in and upholds? If children clearly understand their family’s values, if they have participated in determining those values, and if they have committed to upholding them, the likelihood of these values sustaining them as adults is high.