7 Secrets to STOP Tantrums

by Dawn L. Billings, Author and Architect of Primary Colors Personality & CAPABLES

We've all heard about the Terrible Twos and how they can make us feel like our sweet, calm baby has been replaced by a doppelgänger who constantly screams, cries, tests limits, and challenges our patience, making us question why we ever thought having kids was a great idea. However, in today's world, these tantrum phases seem to extend into the terrible threes, fours, fives, and even sixes. ARGH!

I hoped the terrible twos were just an urban legend, but then they struck, and they struck hard. But toddler tantrums are no joke. They are crazy making and they were everything I had heard in horror stories, and a little more. Since parenting is about enhancing you and your child's skills, I decided to investigate ways to handle these tantrums that would benefit the growth of both me and my child.

Here are my top 7 secrets to handle Toddler Tantrums:

1) Anticipate the moments you hate (thought I’d try to rhyme to make this less intimidating)

You know your child. There are always some initial signs when a meltdown is imminent. It could be skipping nap, your child having birthday cake for breakfast (what parent would let their child do that?), the sometimes unpreventable staying up past their usual bedtime, or visiting a toy store where your child is determined to get what they want (Some of you do not know how lucky you are to be able to order toys from Amazon). My sons are grown men now and we used to have to take trips to Toys R Us. Simply ignoring these signs doesn't help and certainly will not prevent the meltdowns.

2) Divert your squirt (okay, you can see I’m getting desperate with these rhymes)

When you notice signs like whimpering, restlessness, and tension, all pointing to a potential meltdown, try to distract the child and shift their focus. “Oh look, there’s a beautiful bird on the ledge,” or for boys, “Oh look, there’s a dead bird on the ground.” Diversion might not always work, but it’s worth a try.

3) Don’t hesitate to make them wait (you have to admit, this rhyme isn’t bad)

Children need to learn to “delay gratification.” Many studies tell us that children who learn to delay gratification tend to perform better academically, secure better jobs, have more successful relationships, and eventually become better parents and partners. This is crucial. Many parents don’t want their children to “suffer,” but teaching them to delay gratification isn’t suffering; it’s one of the most vital developmental strength you can help them develop. Don’t argue – teach them to wait.

4) Staying cool is a brilliant tool (not bad. I kind of like this one)

If a child is in full tantrum mode, reasoning with them is impossible. They don’t want to understand, even if they could, which I believe these little terrors are definitely smart enough to do. What they understand is the rule, “He who yells the loudest gets their way.” Hmm... except my yelling back didn’t work well.

This is when you need to use your calmest voice and empathize. “I know you’re feeling bad (sad, mad, out of control, manipulative),” okay, they might not understand the word manipulative, but they grasp the concept, believe me.

Try to love and understand them out of a tantrum with questions like, “Are you feeling tired or hungry?” or “Would you like to cuddle?” My fellow psychologists say that asking questions with definite Yes or No answers gives children a sense of control, which toddlers like, especially when they feel they lack control over their surroundings, i.e., aren’t getting their way! It’s also crucial to stay calm, as children pick up on their parents’ energy, and if they sense their parents aren’t in control, things will worsen. Why wouldn’t they? They know they have us on edge. Why not push us off?

5) Ignore or they’ll be MORE – (yep, I like this one too.)

Use your best “I’m serious” tone once when you see a tantrum brewing. If the child doesn’t stop, ignore them completely until the episode subsides. That is unless you are in public, then please remove your child and save everyone some drama. Don’t give in to a tantrum just because everyone in the store is watching and rolling their eyes. If all else fails, take the child home. When the child realizes their actions aren’t getting the desired attention, they’ll eventually stop (though it’s often later rather than sooner). I’m not sure who this punishes more, you or your child, but it removes you from those judgmental stares.

6) Follow Through and Do What You Say You’re Going to (love this rhyme)

Don’t threaten—DO. Instead of warning with statements like “If you don’t stop screaming, I’ll take away your toys until you behave better,” just take the toys and calmly explain that children who control their tempers enjoy toys in your home. Don’t back down once you’re out of the public eye. You must demonstrate to your children that you will do what you say—EVERY TIME—just as you promise, because keeping promises to those you love is your top priority.

7) Don’t get shook, this is not the Whole Book (he he, good right?)

Above all, remember that this is just another developmental stage where toddlers explore their power and assert their independence. Repeat the mantra "This too shall pass". Did you know that this famous saying likely originated from a 13th-century Persian fable about a king seeking a ring that would offer wisdom in both good and bad times, with the phrase "this too shall pass" inscribed on it. Yep, nothing like breaking up a parenting blog with some trivia. So remember, don’t get shook; this is not the whole book. It’s just a chapter in what will be an amazing life story that you and your child will write together.

Thank goodness, the terrible twos don’t last forever. But don’t worry, now that my sons are grown I can testify that there will be plenty of other stages to challenge your sanity.