First Things First - A Quick Parenting Review

by Dawn L. Billings, Author of Primary Colors Personality and Relationship Help

To ensure that we are disciplining our children out of love and commitment to them, we need a method to review or assess our discipline. I have devised a simple acronym to assist you, known as: FIRST things F.I.R.S.T. As parents, we have a duty to improve and grow as examples of what we also expect from our children.  

All parents make mistakes and act in ways that, upon reflection, are not our proudest moments. Many of these instances, which we feel ashamed or sorry about, occur when we are frustrated, exhausted, or overwhelmed and we lose control of our emotions. Raising my sons has brought me to tears—many from joy and delight, and others from sheer frustration and disappointment. This is why I developed a parenting review system that allows parents to reflect on and evaluate their disciplinary choices, (or in some cases their REactions — Raw Emotion actions™).

F - Feelings

What was your emotional state and attitude during the interaction? This is always the first question of our F.I.R.S.T. Things First Parenting Review™. Too often, parents discipline based on their feelings rather than their predetermined parenting plan. Parenting is emotional. We love our children deeply; therefore, when they behave inappropriately or poorly, we are more vulnerable to feelings of frustration, confusion, anger, disappointment, and being overwhelmed. This is why it’s important to reflect on and evaluate how you felt when disciplining your child.

Your goal should be to develop a parenting plan that includes taking time to calm down before disciplining your child. Most parents lack a parenting plan, which is why The Early Childhood Capables GREAT Learning System™ guides you through some of your most important parenting decisions. You can use The Capables I AM CALM™ stress-reducing exercise we designed for your children. This system is effective at any age.

I - Intentions

What outcome did you intend? As parents, we need a clear idea of what we want as an outcome from every interaction with our children. When we truly understand that the aim of every conversation, interaction, and opportunity to discipline our children should be to strengthen, build, educate, mold, encourage, and inspire them to express their greatness, it helps determine the kind of behaviors we allow ourselves to exhibit.

R - REactions

Did you ACT or React™? There is a significant difference between choosing an action and reacting to a situation. Choosing an action is a conscious, deliberate decision, while reacting can happen automatically. Often, when we react in a situation, we feel embarrassed and realize upon reflection that we would have acted differently if given the chance. It’s important for parents to reflect on and evaluate where we react in our lives and try to understand what stimulus, thought, or feeling triggered our reaction. Once we understand our trigger points, we are better equipped to change how we react to them.

S - Speech

What did you say, and how did you say it? Are you proud of what you said? Would you say the same things again? Did you scream, raise your voice, threaten, complain, whine, beg, nag, criticize, or try to argue? If so, you gave away a significant amount of your power as a parent. Effective verbal direction can help your child achieve what you want them to do. For instance, instead of saying, “Don’t spill your drink,” say something like, “Hold your cup carefully and walk slowly so that you can keep every delicious drop in your cup.” Create an image in their minds of what you want to happen rather than what you don’t want to happen.

Of course, it’s important to consider what we say, but it’s equally important to decide what we won’t say as well. We don’t have to argue with our children just because they want to argue. My dear friend and colleague Jim Fay, co-founder of the legendary Love and Logic Institute, recommends that we never argue with our children. He teaches us to say, “I love you too much to argue.” This was one of my favorite responses when my boys wanted to argue with me. I was just sad that I didn’t have the Capables™ when my sons were growing up. Parenting would have been much easier.

T -Thoughts

What were you thinking? Were you aware of your thoughts? Our thoughts are usually a direct result of our feelings, unless we have trained ourselves to let our chosen thoughts direct our feelings.

Use the “F.I.R.S.T. things First tool as a reference, especially when you feel angry, frustrated, or challenged. Go through each of the steps in your mind and reflect on how you are feeling and thinking.

Remember, this exercise is to help you avoid responding to your child in a way that moves you away from building a solid bond of trust and collaboration with your child. Think of parenting as a team sport. It requires both you and your child collaborating to succeed in the journey of growing up GREAT™.