Should Kids Be Treated Like Stars, or Taught to Reach for Them?

by Dawn L. Billings, Author and Architect of Primary Colors Personality and RelationshipHelp

I ran across some research by a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, Jean Twenge. Professor Twenge, like me, is convinced there is an epidemic gripping the nation – a rise in narcissism among young people, especially among girls. Professor Twenge, co-author of “The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement,” has spent years researching the increase in narcissistic behavior. My youngest son Corbin, (who is 35 years younger than me and has very different political and cultural views about the world than mine), and I write in detail about the horrific consequences of narcissistic entitlement in our newly released book, "The Personality Color Matrix: The Transformative Tool to Unlock Joy, Upgrade Awareness and Reconnect". As a relationship, parenting and personality expert I have studied the epidemic of narcissistic entitlement for almost four decades.

I realize that it’s nearly impossible to shield children from many of the outside negative influences that they are bombarded with everyday. However, Professor Twenge and I agree of strategies to help parents combat the assault on their children's hearts and minds. I will list a few important ideas below:

Notice your children, instead of praising them. Don’t say your kid is a fantastic artist, dancer, sprinter and so on, if he’s not. Focus instead on their work ethic, their ability to bounce back from set-backs and their willingness to risk new challenges. Hollow compliments can give a child an inflated sense of self and ill-placed confidence that only covers their fear of not being perfectly special at all times. Many parents think this kind of praise helps build self-esteem, but it is more like create a candy coated shell inside of them, with no peanut on the inside of the shell. Instead NOTICE your child. Say things like "I noticed how hard you worked on that project for school and I admire your work ethic.", or "I noticed that although some things come easier for you than others, you don't get haughty, Instead you remember that immense value of your humility."

It is what is on the inside of a princess that really matters, not what she is wearing on the outside. Even though little girls are seemingly hard-wired to fall in love with all things princess, I advise caution. Princess dress-up is fine because it encourages imagination, but try to avoid treating your daughter, or your son for that matter, as royalty. Instead explain that great princesses care deeply about the people in her kingdom. They are wise, caring, disciplined and take responsibility for their actions, as they are being looked to as role models of beauty, compassion and greatness. A true princess is not what she is wearing on the outside, it is who she is dedicated to being on the inside.

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Teach Integrity and Dedication. Today, many parents are too permissive and give kids too much power and no responsibility. Boundaries make more of people, never less. Discipline is rarely fun, but always develops character, integrity and resilience. There are many time that parents need to say no, but not just say no, they need to stand behind their word. Children are children. They have parents for a reason. Do not abdicate your parenting responsibilities to your children. Do not give them veto power over developing important habits like bedtime or other required household activities. It is not nearly as important that you make your children happy every minute of every day, as it is to be dedicated to helping them discover and develop their strengths and talents that will ensure their future success.

Teach your child to develop and protect their core values. Do not teach kids that they need to look out for No. 1 and that their needs should come first because that’s the way to succeed. Do not teach them they shouldn't care about what other people think of them. This kind of thinking only creates narcissistic tendencies that will damage their relationships in the future. If a child becomes the kind of person who thinks that no one else’s needs or opinions matter, she will have a hard time maintaining lasting relationships at home and at work. “You should care what other people think of you. If other people think you’re a jerk, that matters,” Of course, other people's opinions that are small-minded, jealous and shallow should never determine your self-worth or change your core values. Teach your children to look in the mirror and personally assess who they believe themselves to be. Are they kind? Are they dedicated? Are they hard working? Are they helpful? These are important questions for every prince or princess to answer. And entitled narcissistic mind-set creates only misery and confusion for the children you love.

Teach your child the gift of appreciation. The greatest weapon against narcissistic entitlement is appreciation. Teach your children to think of at least five things they are grateful for before they get out of bed. There is vast research that tells us that giving the gift of appreciation to others as well as, ourselves is one of the best ways to experience peace and joy. All joy begins with feeling appreciation. When we feel entitled to something, like it is owed to us, it steals our ability to feel appreciation. But when we learn to appreciate everything: our life, our breath, nature, the sun on our faces, our friends and family, our abilities, both physically and emotionally, we discover that all happiness and contentment is born out of feeling appreciation. When we feel appreciation, we remember we are blessed, fortunate and lucky to live the lives we live. If you want your children to be happy, and most parents desperately want that for their children, teach them the importance of appreciation and why it is one of the greatest blessings in their lives.

Don't treat your child like a star. Instead teach them to reach for the stars. I will end this blog post with a poem I wrote for my son Corbin when he became the youngest motivational speaker in the history of the National Speakers Association. He would end all of his speeches with this poem, but more than that, these were words we lived by: Reach For The Stars.

Reach for the stars and along your way,

Encourage others by what you say.

Live big; live brave; live your purpose full out.

Know what you want and what you’re about.

Have direction and goals that are larger than life.

With courage stand tall to face fear and strife.

Give all that you’ve got, and then give some more.

Say grace for the family and friends you adore.

Never give up or settle for less, 

For whatever you dream you shall possess.

Take nothing for granted, be ready to win.

Set your sights high, take action; begin.

Before you know it, because of your stand.

You’ll awaken one day with a star in your hand.